Cold Open: Time Capsule
Pilot: "Sex Offender Buffet"
Kinka stumbles onto a web site for registered sex offenders, and the vampires use it as an online menu. While chasing a pedophile through a hula dance class run by a Hawaiian Nazi, the pedophile escapes. Lucky for the vampires, they just might have Jesus on their side.
Episode 2: "The Pharmacy"
Xavier suffers from "night terrors" and goes to an herbal pharmacy with a prescription for medical marijuana. He discovers that grow lights in the pharmacy put him in a euphoric near-death state and becomes instantly addicted to grow lights.
Episode 3: "Feel the Burn"
Kinka helps Xavier in his addiction recovery, and Joan with her chronic depression, by getting them involved in physical activities like badminton and world dance classes. Her enthusiasm is contagious and producers watching a Bollywood hip-hop class offer her a somehow exclusive opportunity to become a world music exercise DVD star.
Episode 4: "Lunar Eclipse"
It's a full moon, and like every full moon, the vampires hide in their apartment with a stash of kibble to ward off werewolves. This full moon, however, is also a lunar eclipse, but the vampires aren't worried because they have the supernatural power of infrared vision...they're pretty sure.
Episode 5: "Sucko"
Chronic hiccups turns out to be a real condition and Kinka has it. Along with Xavier's grow light addiction and Joan's depression, the vampires go to Canada seeking treatment. Xavier films and interviews Canadian doctors and the infirm. In America 3.4 vampires out of 5 don't have health insurance. Canadian healthcare clinics provide the vampires with blood transfusions, dental x-rays, and even inject cystic acne with cortisone, all for free.
Episode 6: "The Great Freeze"
It's Joan's birthday and all she wants for her birthday is to die. Instead, she leases a cryongenic chamber and Kinka and Xavier have to save her from freezing herself.
Episode 7: "Toothy"
"Toothy," a loud, obese, Rastafarian, lesbian vampire, with whom Joan, Kinka, and Xavier have a past, shows up one night insisting on friendship or blackmail. If they don't let her be part of the gang, she will tell the Mutual UFO Network the truth: Vampires, specifically Kinka, Xavier, and Joan are responsible for crop circles, not aliens.
Kinka becomes an evangelical world dance workout DVD instructor, Xavier is a major Hollywood drug dealer with a massive collection of grow lights, and Joan joins a terrorist cell.
A Becoming Media and Macaroni Meatasaurus Production